My Own Personal Hell or My Own Personal Heaven?
by suffocatingonsadness
Summary: Clary, Jace, Izzy, and Alec were out hunting demons one night and all went well. Until Valentine sent his men to get Clary. Clary willing sacrifices herself to saver her friends. She endures a couple weeks of torture and now she is addicted. Will she over come to addiction or will be fall back into the hands of Valentines and destroy the Shadow World for another hit?
1. Chapter 1

**I own Nothin but the plot. Everything else belongs to CC.**

 **Chapter One**

 **Clary POV:**

Today was like any other day, there were rumors of demon activity at Pandemonium and we were getting ready to go. We had already agreed that I was going to be the bait, and of course Jace wasn't okay with that. Izzy and I had frequently switched between who was the bait.

"Alright Izzy, you have free range over me tonight, but please, make me look decent, not too slutty." I didn't mind Izzy playing dress up on me when I was the bait, cause Izzy knew how to attract men. Especially demons.

"I've never made you look too slutty. Plus, demons are attracted to skin, so you'll be showing a lot of it tonight."

It took about two hours for Izzy to get me ready. Izzy had sure worked her magic on me tonight. I was in a skin tight black dress that had the back completely cut out, she had given me a smoky eye, and full red lips. My heels were about 6 inches high and bright red to match my lips. To top it all off, she gave me some fishnets. I looked like a high-class hooker, but that's what these demons liked.

"Jace is going to have a heart attack when he sees you." Izzy always tried to make me look hot enough that even Jace was speechless, and she always succeeded.

"Come on Iz, if we make them wait any longer, they are going to leave without us!" I grab her hand and drag her away from the mirror.

 **Jace POV:**

Alec, and I were waiting for Izzy and Clary to be done getting ready. They always took super long, and tonight was no different. Finally we hear clicking, I look up and immediately suck in a deep breath. Clary looked stunning, but she looked like a total badass too. My two favorite combinations.

"Wow." Was all I was able to say out loud, my words were failing me.

"I told you he'd be speechless. Come on, let's get this over with." Izzy proceeded out of the door, I still couldn't take my eyes off Clary. I was not going to enjoy tonight.

We got to the club and Izzy and Clary broke off from Alec and I. We circled the room to make sure there wasn't anymore than two demons. It was Clary's turn to get them both distracted enough. I didn't like it, having a demons hands all over her, it made me sick.

 **Clary POV:**

Izzy and I made our way onto the dance floor. I could sense the demons. There were two of them. The one made its way over to me, I let him dance with me. I looked over his shoulder and locked eyes with Jace. I knew this made him uncomfortable, but I never did anything that made him mad. I would never kiss my target, I would flirt religiously until they couldn't take it anymore and lead me back to the closet. Then I would strike. Tonight was no different, except I had to get two targets to the back room.

After about 10 minutes I caught the other demons attention. He had made his way over to me as well. He whispered in my ear if I wouldn't mind a party in the back room with him and his friend. I giggled, and agreed. He grabbed my hand, and I grabbed the other demons and we made our way to the back room. I looked behind me and locked eyes with Izzy. She made her way over to Jace and Alec to let them know what was going on.

We made it to the back room and they started to corner me. I knew that this was going to happen now, I didn't have time to wait for back up. I hissed and my blade lit up. They made their way over to me, I had grabbed the dagger from my boot and slashed the one demons throat. The other one wasn't far behind him as I plunged the blade through his torso. He let out a loud shriek. At this moment the door flew open. Wide-eyed stood Izzy, Alec, and Jace. I put my dagger back into my book and walked over to them. I kissed Jace on the cheek.

"Lets get out of here." I whispered and we turned around and made our way out of the club.

"What happened back there Clary?" Izzy kept asking as we made our way back to the Institute.

"We got back there and they started to corner me. I didn't have time to wait for you guys so I decided to take care of it myself."

"Badass." Was her only response.

We got back to the Institute and Jace and I made our way up to his room. I was ready for bed. We were only gone for a couple hours but keeping up this attitude was exhausting and fighting two demons by myself was really tiring.

"God I can't wait to get out of this dress." I was tugging at the hem. I pulled off being confident at the club but once we got back I felt more uncomfortable than ever.

"Why? You look great." I knew Jace liked when I dressed like this, but the truth is, I would much rather be in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt than a dress.

"I'm going to go change. I'll be right back." I kissed him on the cheek and left to get my things from Izzy's room. I had changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I had removed all my make up and put my hair up into a messy bun. When I got back to Jace's room he was on the bed in shorts and no shirt. One of my favorite sights to see.

"Ah, now there is the Clary that I know and love." He pulled me on the bed and kissed me.

"I thought you liked me better in that dress." I teased.

"This is the Clary that I fell in love with. The way you looked tonight was sexy, but this Clary right here" he gestured to me "is the most beautiful girl in the world."

"That might be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me." He knew exactly what to say to make my heart race. We got in bed and drifted into a peaceful sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

 **Jace POV:**

I was startled away around 4 in the morning. So was Clary. We were being attacked by demons. They somehow got into the institute and we were in danger. Soon everyone was awake getting prepared for battle. We all made our way down to the first floor. There was an army. We were outnumbered two to one. This was going to be a hard fight.

"Be careful. I love you." I kissed Clary on the lips and we parted ways.

"I love you too." And with that she was gone.

We were fighting for about 25 minutes and we weren't catching a break. There were so many of them. Another half an hour and there was a silence in the room that made my skin crawl.

"We only want the girl, Clarissa Fairchild. If you hand her over none of you will be harmed." One of the demons spoke.

"Never. You will not take her." I yelled back. Clary was nowhere in my line of vision.

"Suit yourselves." The demons started to attack once again.

"STOP!" We hear Clary yell from the other side of the room.

"Clary, don't." Izzy hissed.

"I need to protect you. This is about me. Not you." She stepped forward and so did the rest of us. She began to draw a rune. One that we've never seen before.

"I'm so sorry." And with that we were stuck. We couldn't move and there was a shield around us. Everything was faded and I could see Clary. She mouthed 'I love you.' And she was gone.

"Damnit!" I screamed. As soon as she was gone we were unstuck and the shield was gone.

"She seriously has a death wish." Izzy said and I wanted to rip her head off. Clary was missing, and the only thing that could be certain is that Valentine has her. If we don't find her soon, it could be too late.

 **Time Jump-A Week Later**

 **Clary POV:**

It's been a week since I've gotten here, although I'm not really sure where here is. I've been chained to a wall, allowed very little food, and when they want answers I get tortured. I'd rather die than let them win.

"Clarissa darling. I have a few more questions for you." Valentine entered my room with a smug grin on his face.

"You can do this all you want, I won't tell you anything."

"Is that any way to speak to your father my dear Clarissa?" He walked closer to me and stroked the side of my face.

"You are not my father." I hissed through my teeth.

"Guards, bring her to the dungeon." And with that, my hands were ripped from the wall, a piece of cloth was pressed hard against my mouth and nose, before I passed out I was thrown over someone's shoulder.

I woke up chained to another wall. This was the torture chamber Valentine had built for me. It smelled like death, and had rodents running around. I have been water boarded, electrocuted, stabbed, and burned, but I will not give him any information that will help him win this war.

"My dear dear Clarissa, haven't you had enough? I can only inflict so much pain until I kill you." He grabbed what I assume was a needle. This wasn't going to be good.

"I will never tell you anything." I hissed. He walked closer to me. He held the needled to my thigh.

"Are you sure?" I nodded, and the needle went inside my thigh and a liquid was injected.

"What is that?" And as soon as he pulled the needle out I got this sort of high.

"Heroin. Maybe this will loosen your tongue." He had kept me in this chamber for a week injecting me with heroin until I got addicted, but I wouldn't let anything slip and it made him mad. He began to slap, punch kick, anything that would get me to talk.

Eventually he put me back into my 'room' and let me think about my actions. It was in the middle of the night when I heard someone enter my 'room' I woke up in a panic. It was a guard. He had been with me from the beginning, and he handed me a box, and unchained me. When he left I opened it, it was a stele. Immediately I imagined myself in Jace's room and made a portal. After a stepped through it I blacked out.

 **Jace POV:**

It's been two weeks since Clary went missing, and I was going crazy trying to find her. I have spent all my time either training or with Magnus trying to track her. It had been a long two weeks and I haven't been sleeping much. It was an ordinary night, it was around 3 am and I was staring at the ceiling trying to think of a new way to find Clary. The next thing I see is a bright light, followed by a thud. I look at the floor, and its Clary. Bloody, and unconscious.

"Clary?! Can you hear me? Come on Clary wake up." I picked her up and put her on my bed. She had lashes and cuts and burn marks all over her body. "Please Clary, wake up." I pulled my phone out and called Alec. Before I knew it Alec and Magnus were in my room, Izzy not to far behind.

"How did she get here?" Alec asked

"She portaled here. I was just laying in bed and the next thing I knew she was laying on the floor."

"Okay, we need to get her to the infirmary. Quick." I picked up Clary and made our way down, I put her on the bed and let Magnus do his magic. After about an hour, Magnus had come out.

"She's very weak but she's asking for you Jace." I walked into the infirmary and there she was. Laying on one of the beds with scars, burns, and bruises covering her body.

"Clary?" She turns her head and gives me a small smile. "Are you okay?"

"Not at all, but I'm so glad to be back." I helped her sit up and sat at the bottom of the bed.

"What the hell happened to you Clary?" She looked down at her hands and started fidgeting with the sheet.

"Do you mind if I wait until everyone is in the same room? I don't want to have to explain it more than once." I got up and kissed the top of her head. I went and retrieved the others. They all crowded around her bed, and I took my place next to her.

"After I had gone with them I ended up in this room. I was chained to the wall. Valentine came in to ask me questions. After a few hours he realized that he wasn't going to get any answers out of me. He came back maybe a day later. He asked me if I was willing to cooperate, and I spit in his face, which he didn't like." She laughed, but she knew that it wasn't funny. "He had one of his guards cover my mouth and nose with a cloth until I passed out. I woke up chained to a different wall. I was in his torture chamber. The first week was brutal. He did everything to try and get me to talk. He water boarded me, electrocuted me, burned me, and stabbed me. I refused to talk." I was so proud of her for standing her ground. "Somehow I got back to my other room. He let me rest for a day until he came back to ask more questions. Same thing happened, my mouth and nose were covered until I passed out; I was back in his torture chamber when I woke up. This time he decided that he was going to utilize another method. He picked up a giant needle and held it against my thigh. When I refused to talk he injected the contents of the needle into my thigh. It was heroin. He was planning on getting me addicted to drugs so I would talk. After a week of being injected I still wouldn't talk. He slapped me, kicked me, and punched me. He threw me back into my room. The next thing I know a guard is entering. He unchained me, gave me this stele and left so I portaled to Jace's room." By the time she was done we were all in shock.

"Oh god Clary, we are so sorry." Izzy said. She leaned down and gave her a hug. After she was done talking everyone left. She needed to rest.

"Jace, do I have to stay in here tonight? I'm really scared." I leaned over to her and kissed her forehead.

"I'll stay with you if you want me too."

"I want to sleep in your room. It's familiar and calming." I smiled and nodded. I bent down and picked her up bridal style. I made my way to my room. When I got there I placed her on the bed gently. I laid down next to her, she curled up to my side and was asleep almost immediately.

The next day I woke up and she was still sleeping. I slowly got out of bed and made my way down to the kitchen. I knew she probably hasn't eaten in awhile so I grab her some toast and water. When I got back to my room she began to stir.

"Good morning beautiful." I said and she scoffed.

"Look at me Jace, he destroyed me. I'm not beautiful, I'm horrifying." I put the toast and water on the bedside table. I put my fingers under her chin and lifted her head up until her eyes met mine.

"You are the most beautiful girl I have ever met Clary, and nothing is going to change that." I kissed her, and man did it feel good to have her back. "I brought you some toast and water, I didn't know when the last time you ate anything was, so I figured I'd start bland."

"It's been about two weeks since I had food." She picked up the piece of toast and ate it. "Thank you."

"Anything else you need from me?" I asked as I removed the plate from her lap.

"Yea, I'd love a shower, but I don't think I can take one on my own. Would you help?" I could tell she was embarrassed to ask, but I would do anything for her.

"Absolutely. Lets get you to the bathroom." I helped her out of bed and led her to the bathroom. I removed her shirt, and the rest of her clothes. She had burn marks and bruised, and cuts all over her. My poor Clary had been tortured and I couldn't help. We both got in the shower. When the hot water hit her skin she winced, I knew it had to be uncomfortable. I washed her hair and her body for her, and before I knew it she was all clean. I kissed her slowly and let the water hit us for a couple minutes. When I pulled back I could see she was fatigued. I turned the water off and we got out of the shower. She pulled a towel around her body and began to dry off. I led her back to my bed where she took a seat. I helped her get dressed and she soon slipped off into a deep sleep. I let her sleep while I made my way back to the kitchen.

"Hey, how's Clary doing?" Alec and Izzy ask at the same time.

"She's a mess. She ate a piece of toast this morning, along with a glass of water. We took a shower and it knocked her out. She's sleeping again." I answered, I should have been less specific.

"You BOTH took a shower?" Izzy asked wide eyed.

"Yea, she couldn't stand by herself so I helped her out."

"You better not have taken advantage of that opportunity." Alec said.

"Chill guys, I just helped her wash her hair and her body. I'm not that much of an asshole, at least not to Clary." Which was true, I was cold and hard to the rest of the world but with Clary I was gentle and nice. She brought out the best in me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:**

 **Time Jump- Three Months Later**

 **Clary POV:**

It's been three months since everything went down with Valentine and the attack on the Institute, and I wasn't feeling much better. My injuries were healing but I was still scared out of my mind that it would happen again. I know that it was my fault for going with them, but I had to save my friends. I couldn't live if anything happened to them that I could have prevented.

"Hey Clary, how are you feeling today?" Magnus asked. He has been checking up on me once a week to make sure everything was healing properly.

"I'm alright today. Still super sore, but my injuries seem to be healing." I said as I got out of Jace's bed. I refused to sleep alone.

"Have to had an itch for heroin lately?" Valentine had succeeded in getting me slightly addicted to heroin but it wasn't that bad. Every now and than I would have the urge for it but never gave into it.

"Yea, but I'm not giving into it. I will not let him have that hold over me." As much as my body longed for the drug I refused to let the urge consume me.

"Good. I have a potion that will help with the itch if it ever becomes too hard to handle. You seem to be handling the temptations very well, but this is just in case. I'll see you around Clary." And with that Magnus left.

The rest of the day went by pretty slowly. I stayed in bed most days. I still didn't have much energy to do much else. Just making it to the bathroom was hard. Valentine really did a number on me. It was about nighttime when Jace entered the room.

"Hey Clary, Alec, Izzy and I are going to Pandemonium tonight for a sweep."

"Okay, be careful." He leaned down and kissed me.

"Always am." And with that he was gone. I didn't know how long hunting was going to take tonight and I was nervous to sleep alone. As 1 am rolled around and they still weren't back I figured it was time for me to get some sleep. I shut my eyes and the darkness consumed me, leaving me to the nightmares that flood my memory.

 **Jace POV:**

It had been a long night and we didn't make it back to the Institute until 2:45 am. Alec, Izzy and I made our way up to our rooms when suddenly we all heard a piercing scream. We all begin to sprint to my room. I opened my door to see Clary violently thrashing around in my bed screaming.

"Stop torturing me! Please!" She began to scream. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it that burns! Valentine please!" She was screaming and kicking. Soon she was still and she was speaking. "Kill me, I don't care but don't you dare harm them." Soon after that there was this high-pitched scream. I ran over to Clary and tried to wake her up. She popped up gasping for air.

"Clary, you're safe. Everything is okay." I cradled her in my arms and she slowly fell back asleep. I placed her down on the bed and went to take a shower. When I came out she was still sound asleep. I crawled into bed next to her and drifted into a soundless sleep.

 **Clary POV:**

The nightmares have been getting worse lately and I can't stop them. I remember them from last night. And I remember waking up to Jace trying to calm me down. I felt horrible that he had to deal with me. I woke up considerably early and wouldn't go back to sleep in fear that the nightmares would consume me again. I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I decided to take a bath to cleanse my soul. It had been about an hour since I got in the bathtub. I heard the door open and Jace was in the doorway.

"Good morning." I said and he made his way over to the side of the tub.

"How long have you been awake?"

"About an hour. I was to scared to go back to sleep, I thought a bath would help relax me."

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You looked content and I didn't want to bother you. You got in late last night and then had to deal with me."

"I would do anything for you Clary." He leaned in and kissed me.

"I know." After our conversation I got out of the tub and made my way back to the bed. I needed a nap, taking a bath was the most movement that I've done in awhile and it took all of my energy.

 **Jace POV:**

After Clary had fallen asleep I sat in a chair and read a book. I never left her alone, I was scared that she would be taken from me again. It had been about two hours into Clary's nap that she began to stir. She was becoming restless but she wasn't waking up, she was mumbling something. I got closer trying to hear it "Give me more. Please. I'm begging you." I have no idea what she is talking about. "Please, I need more." More what? "Valentine, I need more." This doesn't sound good. "I will not tell you anything, but I need more. Please." Suddenly she woke up.

"Hey, it's okay. What were you dreaming about?" I rubbed her back to try and calm her down.

"When Valentine was injecting me with heroin."

"You asked him for more."

"I know. I needed it. I was getting addicted, and I was going through withdrawal. He promised I could have more if I gave him information, but I refused. So he stopped injecting me with it."

"That's a good thing Clary."

"Not for someone becoming addicted. It was horrible. I wanted it so badly. I craved it. I felt like I was being deprived of oxygen, it was a part of me, and when he didn't give me any I was losing it."

"Do you crave it often?"

"Yes. All the time. So far it hasn't been that bad. I've been able to ignore it for the most part but its getting bad."

"Do you want that potion that Magnus gave me?"

"No. I don't want to use that unless it's a really bad case. I want to over come this on my own. I don't want Valentine to win this battle."

I nodded and leaned in and kissed her. I went down to the kitchen to make Clary some food. If there was something that I could do to help her it was make her food. She still didn't have an appetite but it was understandable. All she seemed to want these days was heroin. It was kind of freaking me out. I'm not very knowledgeable about mundane things, and I've never been around a drug addict so seeing Clary like this was new territory for me, and I was really scared for her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

 **Time Jump-Three Months**

 **Clary POV:**

Things were getting better. The cravings for heroin were slowly decreasing and I was getting my strength back. Ordinary tasks that used to be too much for me to handle were getting back to being ordinary. Hopefully everything would be normal again, and hopefully the nightmares would stop soon. I woke up from them often and each time Jace had to console me until I stopped panicking.

"Hey Biscuit. How are you feeling today?" Magnus was here for his weekly visit.

"I'm doing a lot better." I sat up in bed and patted an area for him to sit.

"That's great. Everything seems normal for you physically. How are you mentally?"

"Not that great. I'm still having nightmares. I can't remember the last time I had a decent nights sleep. Jace helps, but my dreams are so consuming sometimes I think I'm back in the chamber."

"Well, if you want me to keep checking on you every week, I will. But from my stand point, you physically look pretty good."

"I hope you aren't trying to steal her away from me." Jace says as he enters the room.

"Don't be silly, as pretty as my sweet Biscuit is, my heart belongs to Alec." Magnus kissed the top of my head and left the room.

"How are you feeling?" He asked as he made his way over to my bed and took his place by myside.

"Eh. Physically I'm fine. Mentally, I'm being destroyed." I laughed but I knew there was no humor to it. "I'm sorry I keep you up so often with my nightmares. I feel so bad."

"Don't worry about me. I would willing give up sleep to help you through the night. I hate seeing you suffer like that. It kills me."

"I just want it so bad Jace. I was getting so addicted it was horrible. I didn't want him to see it so I surpressed it as much as I could. But I craved it. Like the way I crave you. I needed it to survive. I needed it to keep sane."

"We can get through this Clary. I know we can. I know it's hard but everything will be okay." He leaned over and kissed me. When he kissed me it made the cravings go away. I smiled in the middle of the kiss and he backed away. "What is is?"

"When you kiss me the craving stops. It's weird but it almost cancels it out."

"Well then, when ever you are having a really bad craving, just kiss me. I have no objections." He smirked and I grabbed the back of his neck and smashed our lips together. Jace was my own personal drug all in itself but when we kissed it seemed like the problems of the world just disappear. It's just me and him and we're a normal couple. The world is perfect with Jace and me together.


End file.
